Harry Potter and the Enviromentalists
by hawki1
Summary: Hp is fighting a new enemy, The Enviromentalists!
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter and the Environmentalists

Harry potter felt bad, he was stuck at home, well it wasn't so much a home as a mansion. See Harry had much money from selling his books that he decided to buy a mansion in the middle of London, but it wasn't the Mansion that was bothering him. It was the fact that there was a crowd of delinquents or in other terms Environmentalists out side his mansion having a large protest.

"What the HELL are they complaining about?!" Harry shouted to his house elf.

"Aye capt'n they is seeking revenge." his elf whom was dressed in a pirate uniform replied.

"For what exactly?" Harry decided to inquire.

"They tis seeking you to discontinue your book series capt'n, they say its contributing to global warming and the paper used is cutting down valuable trees."

"Global warming...what the?!?" Harry decided at that moment that he was go and see what this crowd was on about, he decided to go outside partly because he believed that his half pirate elf had found the cellar key again and partly because he had a shocking headache and he just wanted to disperse the them. Either way this was the decision that made harry learn 2 very valuable lessons, firstly; don't go near Environmentalists and secondly don't open your door when there is an angry mob outside.

Once outside it was explained very clearly to him by a very old looking man whom seemed to have the amount of wrinkles you'd normally expect a shirt to have after a week on the floor. "See the trouble is young harry" the man started "Your books are very popular right now. Which means that a lot of them are being printed"

"Darn right, and thats how its going to stay as long as I'm around" Harry quickly retorted.

"Well then that leaves us no option but to make sure your not around then" said a lady with clothes that wouldn't look out of place at a clown convention.

"See the trouble is laddie, your books are popular NOW, but see later on when they aren't popular anymore they'll be burnt which will add to Global warming!!!!!" the old man said in a tone that sounded suspiciously like the one someone would use went talking to an idiot.

So after Harry had realized that these people where clearly insane, or at least mentally challenged he began to formulate a plan. Yet unfortunately for Harry his headache was preventing him from coming up with anything particularly spectacular. In fact the best he came up with was a loud "GO AWAY" but it seemed that only annoyed the crowd further.

Not seeing the end to this siege anytime soon Harry decided to leave his mansion and travel to his friend Ron's house.

When Harry first arrived at his best friends house he was surprised to see how well...crap it looked.

"Ron, why does your house look like a...well...a reconstruction of an early 1800's lower class hovel with matching dirt carpets?"

"Well I had that money that you gave me from the books and everything, and well it all got taken."

"Taken?!?! who took it!?"

"Well the banks environmental protection dept. did"

"What did you do? I mean why did they take all your money, don't you have to donate it or something?"

"Well actually they just hit me with about 1000 mini charges, like _environmental paper, organic storage_ you know the usual stuff."

By this time Harry's headache had significantly lessened and he started seeing just how deep these environmentalists pockets where. It was also about this time that Harry realized that if he was to overcome this type of opposition he would need some darn good allies.

Telling Ron that he would get back his gold Harry decided he would go to one of the few organizations he knew the environmentalists wouldn't have

convinced to join them, the Oil companies.

Harry realized only now that the saying **your enemies enemy is your ally **was actually true. When he arrived at the Oil headquarters which was located somewhere in North Korea he was greeted by a man of a small stature who asked for Harry's name and business.

"Harry, and I am here about an environmentalist problem."

"Oh my come this way, we haven't been expecting you, but you can sit in on a meeting that is about to start on that very same problem."

Harry was then led through what could only be described as a nuclear bunker to a large cement room with a large round table. At each seat of the table there was an important looking man, and Harry was shown a seat next to a nice looking German businessmen whom Harry could of sworn was the typical bad guy in most business movies.

"We shall let this meeting commence, which by the end I hope that we have a solution to the environmentalist problem."

"How about we buy the environmentalists off?" a man who looked like he had just rolled off a machine that made your entire outfit completely clean.

"Stupid American, how vill ve know who is an enviro freak? Anyone with half a brain vould try to collect money off us." said a typical Russian mafia member.

Harry realized that this man was speaking the truth, Harry himself wouldn't mind pretending to care about the little critters for a while for a little extra cash.

"How about we lure all the environmentalists into one spot and then have a **_terrible accident_**?" shouted a man from across the table.

"We tried that before with the mosquitoes and the rumor that there was a HUGE swamp in Africa so they would all go there so we could get rid of them. It didn't work at all, either the Mosquitoes weren't listening or they didn't fall for it." the American replied calmly.

"Yeah, thats true and we don't have time to waste on plans that might not fully work." replied the man across the table again.

Suddenly it hit Harry, the solution to his problem, and hopefully the problem that these men also faced.

"I have an idea" Harry said forcefully.

Harry then went on to explain that he was the main character in a series of popular books and that he could in fact write a book that was so packed FULL of geological goodness that the Environmentalists wouldn't be able to put the book down. He then went on to expand his idea by saying he could paint the oil business as a friend to the environment. This would mean that the young environmentalists would grow up with the idea that Oil companies where actually good for the environment.

"Sounds like a good plan, only what happens if it doesn't work?"

"Well hopefully the environmentalists

wont be able to put the book down. Which means they will at least be distracted for a while, and if that doesn't work then we'll meet back here in a 2 weeks."

Harry was feeling slightly happier when he left the underground bunker.

He was feeling better for two reasons, firstly his headache was gone and secondly he had a plan.

After leaving North Korea (odd place for the oil companies headquarters) Harry got to work on his latest novel.

Strangely enough it was actually quite EASY to write about the oil companies being good. In reality the Oil companies are the ones that are financing the studies into the effects of there products and the restoration and attempting balance of the environment to its natural state. It seemed at the environmentalists where merely preaching the word and keeping all the money they had gained in funds which subsidized silly irrelevant things like organic farming and **renewable energy**.

In fact for Harry this was one of the easiest books he had ever written, because as any public school pupil knows, in any environmental topic all you REALLY have to do is throw around a few big words and people will generally agree with your _environmentally friendly argument._ After only 2 days Harry had the entire book fully written out, he was quite pleased actually, it was Chock-full-o-environmental goodness.

Then as Harry sat down to watch some TV after his writing session, the news every book writer hates to hear was blared over the news.

"_All paper manufacturing has been shut down after a large rally outside of all the major plants in the world. It was a coordinated effort by the Environmentalists action union..." _ said the newsreader who seemed to look like he had come out of a plastic wrapping.

Harry could feel the anger boil up inside him, his plan had failed and it looked like he would again need to return to the North Korean bunker for a new plan.


	2. Chapter 2

Marching straight into danger isn't usually a good idea

Harry didn't like the fact that he had to return to the north Korean bunker, in fact it annoyed him royally. As harry was leaving his mansion, he found himself starring at an object that chilled him to the bone, because as everyone knows when you are looking dead straight at a hand grenade your usually screwed.

Harry ran, and lucky the grenade didn't go off until he was a safe distance in fact the last Harry saw of that metal object was a large explosion.

Now if Harry was annoyed before, he was REALLY mad now, for two reasons; firstly grenades where not covered on his insurance plan and secondly cause it meant his mansion wasn't completely sealed off to the outside word.

Harry decided that he needed to up the anti against these Enviro's cause they where not exactly being friendly at that moment.

As soon as he arrived at the Oil headquarters he demanded to see the assembly about the environmentalist problem. Luckily they let him straight though to the conference room, which he again took his usual seat and waited till the room again filled up with people.

When most of the members arrived harry briefed the leaders on the situation.

"Now, after a little incident with a grenade I found a solution to our problems." Harry stated loudly "See I figure that if we told everyone to build boats and then made a HUGE hole in the ozone layer that melted the icecaps, the environmentalists will all drown."

"How do you figure sports star?" said a large man who looked suspiciously like a huge marshmallow and when Harry looked closer he realized that he was actually sitting on three seats.

"Well, environmentalists can't chop down trees cause thats against there whole, religion or something. So everyone else will be floating around on there boats and the environmentalists will be at the bottom of the sea acting suspiciously like shark bait."

Strangely enough the men in the room seemed to agree with this plan in general and after about an hour of discussion it was decided that to make a hole in the ozone that big they would either need a HUGE cannon or the equivalent in gunfire.

The men decided that enough gunpowder right near the ozone layer would probably be adequate. It was then decided that enough gunpowder would probably be equivalent to the size of a small country (say Russia for arguments sake).

Unfortunately this is where the plan started to spark some trouble, much like a smoker sparks trouble in a room full of flammable gas. See as brilliant as there plan for gunpowder was no one could really work out where exactly this ozone layer resided.

Every man in the room attempted to remember back to there geography lessons but the only thing anyone could remember was that ozone could be destroyed and if it was then the icecaps would melt.

At that point it was decided that each of them would go on a fact finding mission to attempt to find out where the darn thing lived.

Harry decided to go to a remote part of the world so he could find an old man and ask him. See it figured to Harry that if old men in remote places knew everything then surely they would also know about this.

When Harry arrived in what most people would describe as a place which they would only wish upon two people, there worst enemy and there sister. He was greeted by an elderly man who; it seemed to Harry defied gravity as his frail body surely could not support him.

"Well young'n I ain't see you roun' these parts much" the old man said in a frail voice that sounded like a creaking floorboard.

"Well, sir, that is because it is my first time traveling these fine parts (and hopefully my last thought Harry) and I twas in search of a mystical place which I hope you knew something of." Harry said, distinctly hoping this would be a quick visit.

"I see, well then come now, we shall have some tea." the old man said with a glint in his eye that Harry didn't like the look of at all.

After sitting down on the bare floor of the old mans hut, Harry started naming off places he would rather be, unfortunately he had to stop himself as he realized that the list would be biggish.

"I have come to inquire about the fabled ozone layer" Harry said as he collected his tea.

"Ahhh yes, I know a little, its in a book of mine I believe, but before I get that book I need you to do me a favor in return for this information."

"I'm listening sir"

"I want you to join a cult and find out what they think of mind transferrals."

"Which cult exactly?"

"The environmentalists union, see I need to know what they think about someone transferring there minds into little children"

Thats not creepy AT ALL Harry thought.

"Why do you need to know the environmentalists unions opinion?"

"Well because they are the only people that have the technology."the old man stated

Harry was about to pass the man off as crazy, but he thought about what would happen if he DID join the environmentalists. He thought of the inside information he could hear, and he thought about destroying the entire thing from the inside.

"Ok its a deal ill join them and see what they think"

Harry then proceeded to leave. As soon as he arrived back in London he decided to seek out the environmentalist pack that was sure to be holding up production of something they thought was "not friendly to the world" and after only an hour of searching he found his goal.

Harry quickly rethought everything he was about to do, just to make sure that the death risk wasn't over that of a suicide run.


	3. Chapter 3

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Joining the environmentalists was a lot like holding up a sign for an hour and shouting stuff like "keep the trees" and "save the whales" in fact, thats EXACTLY what it was like.

After walking round in a circle shouting strange slogans for what felt like ages harry was invited to a cup of coffee at a protesters home, whom lived near by. When approaching the house that was serving the refreshments Harry realized that the term _Home _was being used extremely loosely. In fact to Harry this place looked less like a home and more like a tent.

"Get this stuff into ya" said an old lady holding up a cup of something that wouldn't look out of place in a toilet.

"Ahhh, have you got anything thats not going to make me try to kill myself?" harry said, feeling that if he had to commit Hari Kiri or drink that stuff he'd probably choose the Hari Kiri.

" You've never tried this organic ground root of snarf" she snapped back

Seeing the anger in her eyes, and knowing that old people usually have canes that can beat you up pretty bad he decided just to accept the drink.

" I haven't seen you round here before" said an over enthusiastic volunteer to Harry

" Well thats because its my first time" harry quickly replied thinking that if he had to endure much more of this chatting his head may self implode.

The volunteer who looked suspiciously like the local worker at Mcdonald's went on to explain that there was a meeting on at the local hall on the weekend and after promising to be there, Harry was allowed to leave.

As soon as Harry got back to his house he was glad to see that the protesters had disbursed. Unfortunately the good luck ended there when he realized that he himself was using the term _house_ even MORE loosely then the tent dwellers, On the spot where his house used to be there was now only rubble.

Harry was Angry.

Harry needed to release this stress before me did something silly like sponsor a child or donate money to a charity. So he went to the place where he knew he could insult people as MUCH as he liked and no one would ever know, thats right he went to a Psychiatric hospital.

Thats where he rattled off insults and one liners at everyone he came across.

"Your depriving some poor village of there idiot"  
"Jesus Loves you, but everyone else thinks your a Phyco"

"If ignorance is bliss then you must be orgasmic"

After this Harry felt much better, I mean he felt good enough to go and find a new house with out having to watch that he didn't rip the head off the salesman.

At the real estate agent harry was in a heated discussion about which house he should get.

"If you buy this house you'll get a free gift!" the real estate agent smiled brightly

" Free gift?!?! what the?!?!? aren't all gifts free?"

After spending a small fortune on buying a house that was conveniently situated on a piece of land that couldn't be found...by anyone, harry decided to rest, much like a pack of wolves rest after ripping apart and devouring a small family.

**Skips to the weekend**

When harry woke up he felt like everything was going his way, much like the American president always feels. Harry stepped outside onto the pavement and proceeded to the meeting that was taking place at the local hall.

As Harry was stepping inside the hall he looked up and saw the HUGE 2 story building that loomed over head. The building itself looked like it had actually been carved out of a huge block of cement crudely with tools that would have been outdated when the Egyptians build the pyramids.

Still harry didn't want to stand out the front foolishly much like a principle does at any school assembly so he brusquely moved into the meeting.


	4. Chapter 4

Wallowing in general is bad...period

When its time show what your true colors are you always end up showing them, and as harry himself knew he was quite possibly the most easily scared person in the entirety of england.

Being as scared as a man standing in front of a train meant that he was prone to bolting from situations that he didn't particularly want to take part in.

This is pretty much how Harry ended up in the middle of suburban London with no idea where he actually was.

After searching for some kind of map or fireplace that he could floo from he decided to ask a local.

Unfortunately for harry the locals in this particular area of London where quite prone to bashing anyone who was an outsider. Also unfortunately for harry, he looked like the splitting image of someone that the majority of the people in this area would simply love to bash.

So after asking for directions from a portly man who had a cane that looked like it was made out of someone else's foot harry found himself on the ground being pummeled by at least 3 different people. After this bashing had gone on for around 5 minutes a second group of people came to harry's aid.

"Lucky we got to you quickly there Lad" said the bald headed guy in a foot ball Jersey

"Who are you ? and why did I just get bashed?" harry asked back

Harry then got a quick lesson on the 2 groups in the area and how one group didn't like outsiders and would always bash them and the other group thought outsiders where good cause they brought money so they protected them.

"So you see laddie, we are the protectors and we gotta show these antisocial misfits a lesson they'll never forget!" said the baldy in a summing up way.

Harry was then invited to help them teach the anti outsiders a lesson and after being bashed by them harry was all too happy to oblige, and then helped in the quickly escalating street fight that was starting to turn slightly...insane . ( After receiving a double kick to the head one tall athletic guy decided that pulling a pole out of the ground an using it like a sword was a completely good idea)

After about 15 minutes of this street fighting it looked as though the protectors had won, and realizing this they started to sprint for there lives.

Harry decided ( along with everyone else) that he should chase after these rapscallions to make sure they really did leave and not just regroup.

Unfortunately this is where the protectors made there huge mistake ( much like the Trojans made there big mistake by letting in a nice horse into there gates) see unbeknown to them but they where in fact walking straight into a trap.

As soon as harry and the other 20 members of the protectors got the the intersection they where suddenly surrounded by cars, Choc Full o the anti socials.

"Well, this is gonna be fun" said the bald headed footballer

"Whats gonna be fun...???????" harry asked nervously as he saw what looked suspiciously like rocket launchers coming out of the cars of the anti socials.

Seeing that harry had spotted the rocket launchers the bald guy said "Aye lad what they might have in firepower we more then make up for in destruction"

Yet when he said this harry could actually see the glint of a madman in his eye's. Looking around at the others in this pre-battle state he could actually see a lot of maniac thinking going on as one guy even tried to death stare a pole. (Harry found out later that this particular person was lacking glasses at the time and actually thought the pole was some kind of ridiculously skinny person)

As soon as Harry had looked around at all the faces the battle started, with some guy getting a kick in the no fly zone ( rest assured he was out for the rest of the battle).

The following battle was basically an effort by the protectors(and harry) to get out alive and although dodging the street fighting normally wouldn't be too hard for wizards harry couldn't do any magic in fount of muggles.

(Due to the FUI he had received earlier that year)

So Harry was stuck with beating up any one that got in his way.

FUI stands for Flooing Under the Influence

Apparently turning up naked in the middle of a muggle wedding ceremony shouting about dragons and flying brooms was considered Not Socially Accepted by the ministry of magic


End file.
